The BDSM Scene Is Not Everyone's Kink

I'm sitting in a packed auditorium, in the conference wing of a Silicon Valley hotel. Representatives of BDSM clubs from the northern half of the West Coast parade across the stage, displaying their colors—designs printed on the backs of leather vests—to enthusiastic cheers from the assembled kinksters. The crowd is dressed for the occasion: leather pants, gothic dresses, snug tops and bare abs, corsets, stilettos, knee-high boots. This is the Northwest Leather Celebration conference, with seminars, a bazaar of gear vendors, play parties, and a contest to anoint a master/slave couple to represent the region at the next International Master/slave Contest in Dallas. I've been here all day, attending seminars and taking a tour of the bazaar, and I'm emotionally exhausted. I'm not one of these folks, although I'm at least as kinky as the great majority of them.

It was a great disappointment to me to discover that the "BDSM scene"—or publicly accessible BDSM community—is not representative of the average kinky person. In addition to celebrating the kinks of consensual bondage, sadomasochism, and dominance & submission, the scene also emphasizes polyamory (maintaining multiple kinky relationships) and public play (exhibiting your kinks in a semi-public venue). While there's nothing all that strange about the latter two, they have nothing to do with BDSM per se. And the portion of the population which is inspired by BDSM and polyamory and exhibitionism is, well, vanishingly small.

Some scene members will insist that the scene is the best way, or the only safe way, to get involved in BDSM. This isn't the case at all. Indeed, the vast majority of folks who experiment with or adopt kinky sexuality do so in private and one-on-one.

The scene has many gems and kink savants, and I've met a few of them. (And from friends, I understand that the gay "leather" scene draws a more cohesive crowd than its heterosexual counterpart.) But subcultures tend to attract a disproportionate share of people who feel ill at ease in mainstream society, and so attach themselves to a group which confers an identity and encourages acting different. Such people come in many flavors: insufferable, unstable, manipulative, etc. If you explore the scene, don't put up with any behavior towards you that you wouldn't tolerate in a vanilla social setting. In other words, maintain solid boundaries!

As you've gathered by this point, I'm not active in the BDSM scene. It's not my cup of tea. But here, from an outsider's perspective, is a summary of scene activities:

The central events of the scene are "dungeon" play parties, where people practice their preferred perversions at a venue offering a plethora of stations equipped with SM-oriented furniture. The stations are typically in full view of whomever happens to be there, friends and strangers alike. Attending simply to watch, fully dressed, is totally acceptable. Photography is strictly forbidden, however. Dungeons usually designate a staff member as monitor, and place a few restrictions on players. (Even so, a top performing in an unsafe manner will not necessarily prompt intervention by others, it's up to the bottom to safeword or otherwise flag the problem.) Dungeon parties are the kinky exhibitionist's garden of earthly delights. But they may not be as delightful to the kinky voyeur, as most do not attract a cast of models and fitness buffs!

An aspect of the scene that's accessible to more—ahem—conservative kinksters is the classes which are taught in most dungeon spaces. There, one can learn the basics of rope bondage, flogging, caning, suspension, and numerous other skills. Some teachers are much better than others, so do a little research before picking a class. I attended a BDSM 101 class in the Boston area years ago, and concluded that I'd have done a better job than the instructor, as all he did was go through his S&M toy bag, describing each item.

Local scene groups organize kink-free meetups called "munches" which gather at restaurants or bars. Attire is street clothing—no exhibitionism is asked or offered! Munches are hit or miss affairs; you can't tell if you'll have anything in common with those attending other than BDSM. The first few times you go, try to recruit a friend to accompany you, especially if you're female.

Structured or facilitated BDSM discussion groups such as MAST (Masters and Slaves Together) enable both meeting other kinky people and raising issues that arise from kinky relationships. Some are by invitation, though meeting a facilitator for coffee is often all you need to be invited. Others advertise the time and place they meet and allow drop-in attendance.

And, as described above, there are conferences all over the U.S. throughout the year. Most of these offer workshops, vendor exhibits, and play parties. These events are great places to learn from talented teachers on a broader range of topics than is available in your local scene. A master/slave couple, the master of which is a friend of mine, presented at two workshops during the conference I attended, and I'm glad I made the effort to go for their sessions alone.

So given that the BDSM scene caters to a small fraction of doms and subs, tops and bottoms, where do the rest of us go for knowing friends and partner prospects? Online. Fetlife has a healthy contingent of closeted kinksters among its members. I've recently discovered that the blogging service Tumblr has a thriving BDSM community. OKCupid, a mainstream dating site, is notably kink-friendly, and has a large number of dominant and submissive peeps, many of whom omit mention of it in their profile text, but are identifiable by their questionnaire answers. Just because the local "BDSM community" doesn't hold a place for you doesn't mean your type of kinkster isn't out there looking for you. Indeed, there may be dozens of them within a short ride.